One of the trickier conversations to have in a work environment is one about emotions. Many of us have the belief that emotions don’t belong in the workplace. When I ask people how they are feeling about something, some look at me with confusion, some with irritation, some with panic, and many don’t miss a beat to start talking about their feelings with articulation and clarity. Through my conversations I’ve heard people describe themselves as not being emotional. And while it’s possible not to have strong emotions on a particular subject …it’s not so possible not to be emotional. Unless we are a robot. As humans we have a huge variety of emotions, and they are complex, layered things. Our emotions are what give our lives depth and richness (think of passion, inspiration, warmth, silliness, and even the more difficult ones like fear, anger and disappointment). Without them where would we be?
Part of emotional well-being is using our feelings to identify where we are out of alignment with our needs and values. Emotions determine how we interact with the world (e.g. excited and eager vs cautious and cynical); with others (e.g. open and trusting vs alert and on-guard); they give us insight into what we need (e.g. to say no, to go exercise, to sleep, to step back); and into what we like and don’t like (e.g. being front and center or a quiet thinker).
Being aware of, regulating and expressing our emotions develops our personal mastery (ability to self-manage). And when we are good at this we are more resilient, build better relationships; perform more consistently and are more agile.
Emotions are at the heart of most situations, even in the workplace. Here is what I mean –
· any difficult conversation (think of negotiating the budget for the year). If it was purely based on numbers, then we could just draw up a list of needs and desires and find out ways to accommodate them. But it isn’t so simple. Often it brings out feelings of sensitivity, impatience and frustration from both parties;
· any conflict (think of addressing a colleague about a failure of delivery). If it was just about the situation we would discuss it, determine what went wrong and the way forward. But it brings out feelings of anger, defensiveness and feeling unvalued which unless addressed can prevent us from moving forward constructively;
· any action to take a new direction in the business (think of courage, fear, passion, confidence)
· any journey you take a team on (think of inspiration, excitement, sense of belonging)
· and any relationship you have (think of respect, admiration, love, dislike, annoyance).
But if emotions are at the heart of nearly everything, why is it so difficult for us to recognize them and talk about them? Sometimes words don’t easily describe how we’re feeling and sometimes what we are feeling is elusive and hazy. Apart from the basic feelings that we recognize – angry, sad, happy, scared –there are over 140 different feelings we experience. Becoming adept at knowing these takes practice and courage. Try naming more than 10 or 15 now… it’s not so easy.
What I’ve discovered through my own experience (I was of the robot tribe) and through the conversations I have, is that sometimes it is because we don’t have the language for emotions (we may not have been in environments where emotions were acceptable or spoken about). Sometimes it’s because we find certain emotions difficult, unacceptable or painful (e.g. failure, inadequacy, rejection, fear) and end up avoiding them; and sometimes we just don’t feel there is place in the conversation for emotions (think budget discussions).
Because of these experiences we either don’t recognise what we are feeling, or we develop ways of coping with them such as avoidance, denial and unconsciously masking what we feel with other feelings that are more comfortable for us (e.g. a sense that I am failing in my role creates extremely painful and scary feelings. I can knowingly or unknowingly avoid, suppress or deny these feelings and adopt emotions I am more comfortable with. Like anger and blame).
And the challenges if we don’t know or don’t express our emotions are:
· they become louder,
· they leak out (or burst out) into conversations,
· they make it hard for us to listen;
· they affect our relationships (without expressing what we feel we keep a part of ourselves out of the relationship);
· and our self-esteem (e.g. creating a sense of conflict between our internal world and our behaviours).
Here are some steps to take in developing the ability to self-manage and to improve emotional intelligence:
1. To express emotions clearly, we must first know our emotions. Develop the ability to recognize emotions and identify them (heightened ones are a good starting point).
2. Sit with heightened and painful emotions without trying to distract yourself. This step takes courage and discomfort. As with our thoughts, we are not our emotions. Observe them and notice the impact they have on you.
3. Move away from the idea that there are good and bad feelings (e.g. happiness is not good, fear is not bad). They are all just feelings; providing a piece of insight.
4. Breathe. There are many breathing techniques that can activate the parasympathetic nervous system which manages the body’s ability to relax. The way you breathe can regulate your heart rate, blood pressure, temperature, oxygen levels and more. A book that I found fascinating on the subject of breathing is by James Nestor, titled ‘Breath’.
5. Work with someone to develop emotional regulation skills - the ability to stay calm, collected, and centered through stress.
References
Allaya Cooks-Campbell (April 2022), How to use the emotion wheel to get to know yourself, https://www.betterup.com/blog/emotion-wheel
Douglas Stone, BrucePatton and Sheila Heen (1999), Difficult Conversations, Penguin Books
James Nestor (2020), Breath, Penguin Books
Calm (May 2020), https://blog.calm.com/blog/the-feelings-wheel
Erin Eatough, PhD (April 2021), Emotional Regulation and Peak Performance: What’s the Connection?, https://www.betterup.com/blog/the-tie-between-emotional-regulation-and-peak-performance