Sitting at lunch this December with friends from London, one of them, an executive who decided to step out of his field and study medicine, was telling us about an interview he had been for when he was younger, for a sought-after position in a highly regarded business. In this interview he was asked one question which he answered briefly preparing for the next one. However, he spent the remainder of the interview listening to the interviewer explain why it was a good role and a great business to join. A few weeks later he was thrilled to have gotten the job, but baffled as to how he did. It turns out it is not that unusual to have an experience like that. Although most people (96%) describe themselves as good listeners the average person remembers about 25% of what has been said. Our diminished ability to stay focused is brilliantly articulated in the book Stolen Focus by Johann Hari.
I can relate. One of the biggest learnings I've had while I was studying to be a coach, and there were many big ones, was developing the ability to really listen to others. I thought I was good at this at the time, and now looking back I laugh at my first attempts to actively listen to someone in my early coaching course. After five years of coaching individuals I'm aware that I'm flawed and still developing this challenging and powerful skill.
Challenging because we let ourselves get in the way. We have emotional reactions to what others are saying, we have our own stories we want to share, we make assumptions and form judgements, we have different opinions, we stop listening and start formulating our response, we develop our counter arguments, we interrupt, we finish their sentences and we stop being curious to what the other person is telling us. Truth is we are no longer hearing them. We have closed the opportunity to learn some really important information, even if that learning is about the individual, their perspective, what is driving it and what emotions lie behind their message.
And the speaker intuitively knows it. The opportunity to build trust is diminished.
Powerful because listening is like a magic potion to build meaningful relationships and connections with others, to make people feel heard and important, to develop a deep understanding of them, to improve our own problem solving effectiveness and ability to resolve conflict, and it takes us a giant step forward in enabling us to reach real alignment with people. Apart from all of this, listening deeply to others makes the experience of talking to us… well, all the more enjoyable.
When people come to us with challenges and concerns we can fall into the trap of wanting to offer suggestions and find solutions. When we do this we can, without intending to, send a message that the person speaking to us hasn’t been capable of considering their own solutions and options to what is troubling them. Then we can get frustrated when they tell us why our solutions can’t work.
Sometimes, problem solving is not actually what they need. Being able to speak aloud our concerns to someone who is listening is actually the real gift. The process of expressing our thoughts, feelings and interpretations gives us the space to make some sense of things ourselves and helps us get more clarity.
My husband received a great piece of advice from one of his team members. He said when someone call him and is upset about a situation all he does is listen deeply. He found he seldomly needed to action anything or provide solutions. By listening, he developed his understanding and made the individual feel heard, nothing further was needed. Sounds easy.
To listen effectively takes effort. We have to practice active listening. This involves noticing others body language, tone of voice, what is not being said, the pace they’re talking at, their facial expressions, what emotions they are expressing, the language and words they are using. And involves looking directly at them (imagine relaxed gazing not intense stare). Notice the energy they give off -some individuals have such high energy, it pours out of them, they talk so fast and are always moving, while others are quiet, withdrawn, timid and meek. All of these different observations give us an idea of what is actually being said and how someone is actually feeling, and when we really, really listen to someone with deep curiosity we will find that most people are interesting.
The next time you are sitting with a colleague, partner, child or friend who has something to say, test your listening skills.
Try the following:
• Look at their face
• Listen deeply
• Resist the urge to fill moments of silence
• Tap into your curiosity – what are they communicating, not communicating, feeling
• Ask questions to better understand (avoiding making assumptions or providing solutions)
• Summarise what you have heard to get clarity and give them a sense that you're genuine listening
• Notice your own thoughts and emotions but do not let them hijack you
References:
Russel Brand Stay Free Podcast with Jordan Peterson – identity and Compassion.
Clay Drinko, 4 August 2021, We’re Worse at Listening than we Realize, www.Psychologytoday.com
Johann Hari, January 2022, StolenFocus, Bloomsbury Publishing