Some of the toughest obstacles we'll face on our journey is of our own making.
Our amazing brains play all sorts of tricks on us, including thought distortions - exaggerated patterns of thinking our minds use to convince us of (usually) negative things that are not based on facts.
You have experienced thought distortions. We all have. When you thought you had a terrible interview or meeting but ended up with great feedback, that was your mind leading you astray. And when you received the feedback and thought ‘I know I did terribly, but they just didn’t see it”. That’s your mind once more leading you off into distorted thought.
Here are some statements to understand this better – True or False
• I’m so busy but if I say no to this project people will think I’m not committed, so I’ll do it
• I really messed up, I am so incompetent
• The traffic has made me so late, my day is ruined
The previous statements are examples of lies we tell ourselves. Fortunately, reality is far less harsh. People aren't thinking about your lack of commitment, you are not incompetent because you made a mistake and traffic won't ruin your day.
The best ways to overcome thought distortions is to identify them. Here are some common types of distorted thinking.
1. All or nothing thinking - we classify things as falling into two extreme categories e.g. being ambitious is good, or working weekends is bad; I am competent/ incompetent; He is right/ wrong. When we do this profound feelings of guilt and shame can arise. And when you shame yourself into believing that you’re a bad person because of your choices, it can lead to distress and anxiety. In reality, we are on a moving continuum between these two extremes. This extreme thinking leads to setting unrealistic standards for yourself and others, that affect your relationships, motivation and could set you up for failure.
2. Mind reading - assuming what others think e.g. “People will think I'm aggressive if I disagree with this” or“I know they intended to exclude me.”
3. Unhelpful rules - following strict rules that run counter to your goals e.g. I have finished everything I wanted to do today but I must stay another 30 minutes before leaving to go home.
4. Fortune telling – involves predicting the future e.g. I will never be promoted. It can also mean spending time predicting the worst and that is very unlikely to happen.
5. Exaggerated thinking - making a situation into something bigger than it is, e.g. I gave incorrect figures, I have ruined the business’ reputation.
6. Always being right –when you see your own opinions as facts of life and the desire to be right trumps other evidence and people’s feelings, e.g. I don’t know why they don’t listen to me, I am right. They will find out the hard way. This closes down our ability to be curious and gain understanding of complex situations and differing views and damages our relationships.
Here are a couple of ways we can start working on distorted thought:
1. Self-awareness- notice and identify the thought distortion. When the thought arises – identify it
2. Separate ourselves from our thoughts - we see our thoughts as part of us, the same as us, maybe even as us. Our thoughts are not us. Separate yourself from the thought, .e.g. there isthat distorted thinking voice, or get into the habit of writing down your thoughts. When you put them on paper you separate yourself from them.
3. Reframe and redirect our thoughts. Shape them into views that are more helpful and believable, Examples: Reframe ‘I will never achieve my goal’ into
‘I’ve already achieved the following so far.’
Reframe ‘Its selfish of me to leave early today to attend a course/ seminar/ talk that I am really interested in’ into
‘Prioritizing my interests keeps me stimulated, energized and engaged’.
Our distorted thinking is often driven by us wanting to do things perfectly and a fear that if we make mistakes we will derail all our hard work. However, we have made mistakes, we will definitely make more and our attitude and thought patterns around expecting, accepting and appreciating mistakes is an essential element to succeeding in life.
We are bigger than our fears, we just need to keep reframing them until we believe it.